How to Learn Emotional Intelligence: Managing Your Emotions
In my post two weeks ago, I discussed briefly how you can use your emotions better and improve your emotional intelligence, but today I want to tell you a little about how to learn emotional intelligence in the first place, my emotional intelligence journey and how I find the best way for me to use my emotions, but also what I’ve learnt about not using emotions.
How to Let Go of Stressful Emotions
So I had a huge realisation on my birthday in 2020.
I used to put loads of pressure on myself for my birthday to be perfect, and they were for the most part, but when some delays or changes needed to happen I took them personally like their actions were against me and my birthday somehow.
But that’s the misinterpretation of emotions from myself.
I used to have a negative spin on things that didn’t go my way.
I used to get frustrated and upset and almost ruin the whole thing by being upset.
So I decided that 2020 was going to be different.
I was one of the lucky ones that could go out and see people outside. So I organised a picnic with everyone.
But I didn’t plan anything, like food, place or anything.
I got to the day and let it all go.
It was the best thing that I could do.
No plan, just a roundabout way of getting together with everyone.
And it worked, we had a lovely day, and we all got together and had a nice time, and I didn’t stress out or need anything to be the way I envisioned it.
But it worked because I purposefully let go of my needs and stress about things.
How to Learn Emotional Intelligence: Uncovering Your Emotional Triggers
You see, if you already walk into a situation that you perceive to be stressful, it will be.
You think about stress, you get stressed, so letting go of the assumption that things will be different to what you want them to be, will alleviate the pre emotion.
My point – letting go of assuming that when you walk into work you’ll meet stress, or anxiety sometimes is enough to not receive that emotion.
From this place you can also see what your negative and positive emotions are triggered by.
For me, it was the journey of simply going to work that was stressful. I would have multiple conversations in my head about how I could get out of going to work, and in the end, it made me ill.
I was so stressed out, I never wanted to get up earlier to make my life easier, I never wanted to get on the train, so my day always started off so badly, and I was exhausted by the end of the day, partly because I was constantly fighting against myself.
Second-guessing what people are saying, thinking that everyone was judging me, and I was never comfortable.
It’s that battle of being that I really struggled with when I didn’t know how to use my emotions to my advantage and how to learn emotional intelligence.
So now, when I struggle to make a choice or I’m fighting against myself to do that thing, I know my emotions are fighting against what I need to get done.
For example, getting up early. I know if I wake up early I will get more done.
I’ve done it numerous times before, and it really works. So what stops me from going to be earlier, and waking up earlier.
Procrastination is the result of stress from overwhelming or underwhelming. So my emotions don’t want me to do something, they want me to stay safe, calm and cosy.
But nothing gets done from this place.
On the back of knowing that I’m not emotionally connected to what I need to get done, I can change my process/plan or method.
My emotional state makes me realise that something needs to change, so I have to change that one thing.
The way I plan or the way I work or something, but making the decision to get up and go, needs to be easier.
So if the first thing I need to do is work out, then get all of the equipment ready.
Once I start to see where my emotions are feeling negative, I can start to dig a little more.
Is it that I’m always rushed, or have a to-do list as long as my arm, or that I’m not connected to the outcome of the project, it’s because something is not aligned with me or my highest self.
So I look at how I can make the end goal more aligned to what I require.
Then act from a place of knowing and understanding.
I learnt from my emotional intelligence a long time ago, when you don’t want to do something it’s for a reason, not because you’re lazy, or because we all have to suffer in some way, it’s because there is a part of you that does not see the point in doing it for your best self.
Things I learned when I became more emotionally intelligent:
1. Not expecting others to see things the same way
Yes, emotionally intelligent people are more influential. However, there is no point in trying to make other people believe you if they already have negative assumptions about you.
You may care, but others will not.
It’s up to you to deal with your own emotions, and not scream till your blue in the face to make someone understand.
So knowing something is true is your burden and you have to act according to your own truth, not anyone else’s.
2. Emotions are signals
You soon see the world differently the more you see through your emotions and the more emotionally intelligent you become, truthfully that is the best way when it comes to how to learn emotional intelligence .
You see the things that you are emotionally unattached to and the things that you actually really need in your life much clearer.
You realise the things that make you unhappy need to stop, and you can act from that place to make yourself happy.
3. Other people’s emotions have nothing to do with you
That’s right, if someone is screaming in your face, it’s nothing to do with you. It’s all about what is going on with them.
Nobody should scream in anyone’s face firstly, their reaction is to something you may have done or created, but it is not a personal reflection, and their assumption on your creation has nothing to do with you.
This is where empathy plays a huge part.
There are always chess pieces moving around on other peoples boards, and we don’t need to know about all of them.
However, what we can do is control our own emotions, and how we react to others, to not take them personally and shine as our best self, every single time.
4. You are in control of your emotions
Yep, sorry to say it, but if you’re waiting for prince charming to come and save you, you are only wasting your own time.
Only you know what makes you happy, sad and everything in between.
Knowing this means that if I’m having a bad day, I’m letting myself have a bad day. So I need to change something.
I am a massive believer in motion changes your emotion.
So the first thing I try is movement.
Go for a walk, do yoga, run, whatever, but I have to move my body.
The second thing is music. If you can see it then you can use your mind to change your emotional state.
I love a good playlist that makes me feel inspired or one that relates to what I’m going through.
I hope you have so many takeaways from these points on how to learn emotional intelligence, and that you grow in your emotional journey, any questions, just email me.
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