What actually stops you from being confident?
What they don’t tell you is that you already have all the confidence you need.
They also don’t tell you that what you want is already yours.
Not everybody wants the same thing for a reason, we are not all meant to have the same things.
So when you imagine yourself, the head of your own department, or leading the women in leadership program, or the first in your family to travel the world, it’s because you are the one that is meant to achieve that.
What you actually need to do that is first break through your limiting beliefs.
Now I’ve already discussed how to eliminate your limiting beliefs, so this week I am discussing how breaking through your limiting beliefs can boost your confidence specifically.
This list is from all of the conversations I’ve had with my clients (as well as some I’ve had in my own head).
Common Limiting Beliefs that Prevent You from Being Confident
You want to put yourself forward to lead the next generation of women in the company and show them what it takes to become a leader in their field.
But then you realise you will have to plan the program, meet new people, speak in front of people, but worst of all, you’ll have to actually speak to your director about it (puke).
Our brains are trained to think of the worst-case scenario for us, to keep us safe, settled and content.
It’s our gut that believes we can do more.
You’ve felt it before, when you press send on that email, even though you know it’s going to piss some people off, you know you are right!
You do it anyway because you believe in yourself, and you know it’s for your own good.
I wish people understood this about their dreams.
Our fears are simply thoughts, they are not actions. And as long as they stay thoughts, and don’t actually stop you from going for exactly what you want, then you are on the side of trusting yourself to go.
But if you are still believing your fear, then you need to do something with those thoughts.
Elizabeth Gilbert writes about fear beautifully in her book ‘Big Magic’ (which I highly recommend to everyone). She says you know fear is always going to be there, in your mind, so why not acknowledge that first, then place that fear to the back of your mind, and focus on your action points to achieve what you want.
So try it, know that you are going to be scared of failing, sounding silly, being rejected, and understand they are not real outcomes because you haven’t acted yet.
Go for what you want, and truly find out how amazing you are.
2. I can’t
What I really want to say to people who say I cant is “STOP SAYING I CAN’T”.
It’s a lie, and I despise lies.
Seriously, think, can you tell me how many times you’ve said: “I can’t”?
What you are really saying, is something totally different. Usually, it’s, “I’m scared” or “I don’t know how” or “not right now” but saying you can’t is like you’ve already given up trying at life.
What you need to start doing is being honest with yourself, and saying what you really mean.
That is when you turn your fears into things you can actually work on. When you say something like, “I don’t know how”, you start to see where you need to learn and grow.
You become aware of the multiple ways you are limiting yourself, and realise that there is something you can change about your current circumstance to become more confident and go for it.
So try it out, the next time you go to say “I can’t” say what you really mean instead!
3. I’ve never done it before – go do it and learn from it
This is the problem so many of us have. Just because you haven’t done something before doesn’t mean you can’t, it simply means you don’t know how.
Reframing this limiting belief in your mind as one of the steps you need to take before you go for what you want will make the journey into being bolder, more confident, much clearer.
4. Judgement from others
You want to start your candle line, you know it’s something you would love to do, you know the smells, you know how to make everything ethically, you know what shops you want to approach to sell them in, but there’s one problem.
You don’t want anyone else finding out about it.
You don’t want to have that conversation of ‘what is the point?’ or ‘that sounds like such a waste of time’.
Your negative thoughts are tough enough to handle, you don’t need anyone else’s.
So why do they need to know?
Look, I am all for building a community around you, but they have to be the right community.
One that will cheer you on, connect you with other people, build your business with you.
It’s up to you how you spend your time, money and energy, and it’s up to you to make it happen.
So tell the right people about your business, and leave the others out of the picture.
At least until you know what you are doing, and have enough faith in yourself to make it work.
5. Don’t know how – you are capable of learning and trying
You know what you want to do, you want to become the project manager, but you don’t have any of the qualifications.
But in all honesty, you have the skills because you’ve been helping Jan from operations for ages now, and you want to step up and get paid for all the hours you’ve put in.
But at the same time, it would be better if you actually got your Prince’s Trust qualification first before even speaking to her, but do you really want to learn something new at this age? And can you even learn? Where would you fit it in, but also if you knew a little more about the projects she has coming up…and so the limiting beliefs cascade in.
In reality, you never find out until you do the thing.
What all of the above shows you is that you are looking at the wrong things. What you need to be focused on is you.
What you are good at, why you want to get into project management, what it is you already have that you can bring to the table.
You are already capable of trying first and if you do need to learn something new, learn exactly what you need, not assuming what others think you should have.
We all think as soon as we leave school,college, or university that we suddenly become too old, and that going back to education is a step backwards.
But it is the complete opposite.
You are always capable of growing, and to break through your limiting beliefs you need to be learning. We always have the capability of learning, and this should never stop as when you do, you become stagnant, and that is not what we want.
The amount of people I speak to who think they can’t because they will fail is unbelievable. I think it truly is about 99.9%.
But what if I told you you could never fail?
What if I told you failure is all in your mind and nobody else’s.
Failure looks more like not trying than it does trying and not succeeding.
So firstly failure is never the end.
It may feel like it at the moment, and that’s ok to have a little cry because it didn’t go the way you wanted it to.
But it is never the end unless you make it so.
Secondly, failure needs to be reevaluated as a lesson. If something doesn’t work it’s not because you were not right, it’s because something didn’t work, and you need to learn about what happened, assess what needs to change and try again.
There is always more to do, tweak, switch out develop. Always.
7. Too old
Not being confident because you are too old, is so ridiculous. For two main reasons, one is logical and one is personal.
Logical – Yes we all get older, but with age comes wisdom, a different perspective, a tried out opinion, and that is the magic of age. You see and go through things that help you become a better person. So it’s not age that is stopping you.
Personal – I get ID’d to this day, and I am 36! I don’t look at it, I don’t dress like it, I don’t act like it, why?
Because I am too busy being me. All my life I have been told I look so young, or they had no idea what age I was, even after they know my experience that is on the table right in front of them as a CV!
This taught me that people will only think what they want to think of you, and where you should be in life.
But it is their opinion.
What you need to be focused on is growing into the person you want to be and showing up more and more as that person.
Age is a number, not a barrier.
9. Procrastinate – stress – de-stress first then go
There is a lot of research around how procrastination is a form of stress, and how sometimes it is you not really wanting to step to the plate and do the thing because it’s too stressful to start.
If that is the case, take a day off.
Seriously, if you are stressed just by thinking about it, then take a break. Do something that fills your cup up, revives the side of you that wants to do and be more.
Then make a plan to come back to it in a day.
Do not stress moreover about something when all you really need is a minute to yourself. You and your health always come first.
Also, if you want some practical tips for procrastination, here is my free procrastination guide for you.
9. People are not the same
Your network is your net worth!
Some of us definitely do not have the connections that we would like to build what we want or to connect with who we want.
However, there is social media! You are always able to reach out to people who inspire you, who have the same interests as you, it’s one of the best parts of social media.
So find them and connect.
Also, on a personal note, I have so many online friends through social media that got me through all of the lockdowns, and now we all support and cheer each other on, because we all know how important having the right people around you is.
10. Lack of inspiration
When you feel like you know you want something different, but don’t know what that is, it’s because you’ve turned into a boring person! Lol – only joking.
It’s because you’ve stuck to what you already know. Inspiration comes from constant growth, listening to new podcasts, meeting new people, visiting new places. It’s about where and how you can see things from a different perspective. It’s knowing your own opinion but also being open to other people’s opinions.
Inspiration comes from being intentional with what you do with your time, where you’re spending your energy.
SO if you want to be inspired, pick up a new book, make a new friend, eat a meal in a new restaurant, change it up a little.
I hope these tips and tricks have inspired you to make a change, even if it is a small one.
I would love to know all about your confidence growth journey, so please comment below and let me know.
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